Past Advice

My Personal favorites (read: the funny ones) in boldface

-Today, be afraid of widths -If it ain't broke, fix it 'til it is.
-Indecision is the key to flexibility.
-People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
-Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
-Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
-Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
-There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
-On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
-If wishes were fish, we'd all be in a heap of trouble
-A dead, rotting vulture isn't nearly as appetizing as it sounds
-Of course God exists! If not, who the heck's going to pay the universe's bills?
-I went to a fight the other night and a Jerry Springer special broke out!
-Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
-If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
-The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
-If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
-Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
- If wearing clothes is so much fun, why don't fish do it?
- A penny saved is ridiculous
- Never lick a gift horse in the mouth
- If you steal one plastic ball from McDonalds a day by hiding it in your mouth, you would have enough to fill your living room by April 17, 2014. And you would have cheeks like Louis Armstrong.
- Death may be funny, but not nearly funny enough to merit its own prime-time sitcom.
- Love is in the air. So is the cold. Watch out, I don't know which is worse
- Answer what everyone says with 'Well, thats what you think'
- Publicly investigate how loudly you can make slow croaking noises
- End everything you say today with the phrase 'as in accordance with prophesy'
- Why are you taking advice from a computer screen?
- Does the superheroine society REQUIRE your costume to be spandex and skin tight?
- Do a dramatic one-man theatre on the life of a prostitute. Present it on a street corner and people will pay anything.
- Use your laser vision to read CDs today. It attracts some really curious people.
- Some guy told me that he was hit by a ball. I didn't know they had fists.
- Set up a tast-test booth on the street to see if people can taste the difference between Rice Cakes and Styrofoam
- Modems are really evil tempermental aliens masquerading as innocent machines. Their true plan is to not work only at the times you need to be online.
- April Showers bring May flowers, but I think we have enough Pilgrims here already.
- See if your name fits the Mickey Mouse club song. If it does, I know what you'll be singing all today.
- Get a ladder and drop things on the passerby below. When they look up, wave.
- Today, wonder why the heck someone would want to save daylight for
- One word: Plastics
- Play funny jokes on the IRS. see what happens when you answer -None of Your Business- in a blank.
- Just because you own a Monster truck and like to hunt squirrels in city parks with that 10-gauge on yur gun rack doesn't mean you're a *real* redneck. You need at least 3 JEGS stickers on your vehicle.
- Remember, just one JEGS High Performance sticker on your truck adds 10 horsepower
- A red sports car may not attract girls, but it will attract policemen and insurance agents
- If making 100,000 a month was as easy as my junk e-mail says, everyone would sell supplies to the Government
- Looking for a high-paying, glamorous job? Pope may be the career for you. Sign up for a free copy of 'So you want to be Pope' at the Vatican today!
-An apple a day keeps the doctor away, especially if you throw them hard
-Reflect on a time when you could set an Orange Bowl on your table and a Toyota Bowl was just plain impossible
-Imagine a bowl game. Would you take the salad out before you played?
-Grab a razor, a can of paint, and a dog and have a little too much fun today - 'Oh no, the treacherous purple hairless dog-beast has struck again!'
-Laugh at the way announcers say web addresses today. tee hee hee
-The real reason for the web's popularity is the immense fun you can get from saying www
-Ask yourself why Dear Abby isn't this funny
-Pretend you're inordinately happy over another 4 years of Clinton. It's good practice for mother-in-laws and trips to the dentist 'A root canal! Joy!'
-Make up new words that only you know the meaning to today. Like Poofta. Or Larlie. Or Voinkavich. It's fun for hours.
- Today, go to your local -Open 7 days a week, 24 hours a day- 7-11 and ask them why they have locks on their doors
- Spray paint the local wildlife today
- Ask yourself why they put Braille dots on drive-up ATMs
- You can't fight crime with a macaroni duck
- Do a little dance. Make a little love. Get down tonight.
- Walk around the town going -Oh Yeah?- You'll meet all sorts of new friends
- Sing -It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas- in May. See how many times you get hit.
- Be exotic today. Don't talk, just chant.
- Don't use money today. Simply try to buy everything with wampum.
- Talk out of your butt and see if you get paid $10 million a movie.
- Think about how much trouble you'd be in if you weren't amazingly attractive and intelligent.
- Ask yourself if the comeback of Devo is considered a horseman of the apocalypse
- Attention all sattellite repairmen: You too can save the world from an alien invasion with a Mac laptop. Thank you Hollywood!
- Ponder whether Home Office is as big of a contradiction as it sounds
- Never stick one's right arm in an open fire. It hurts. Trust me.
- Give out pieces of 8 today. If you don't have enough, pieces of 7 or 9 will do.
- Give advice to others. It's the cool thing to do
- Give peace a chance today.
- Take a trip today. No, not what you're thinking, this is a family page.
- Order a punching nun puppet. No I'm not kidding, there really is such a thing.
- Ponder a spoon today
- Walk into a barbershop dressed as Snippers, the the ghost of scissors past
- Use the word cowpoke in a nonjoking sense
- Have stores pay you NOT to promote their wares while wearing a chicken suit
- Ask yourself why someone would think dew from a mountain would be appetizing.
- Build a shrine to chiclets. Or maybe Bazooka Joe. It all depends on your religion.
- Go on a search for that mystical Coor's Light bottle shaped like a baseball bat. I saw one today, and let me tell you, it was an almost religious experience.
- Add your own little commentary to the world's goings-ons. Everyone will appreciate it.
- Marvel at the wonder of creation today. It's hard to do in front of a computer screen, so take a step outside
- Walk on the ceiling today, just to be different
- Commit a Freudian slip today
- Don't pay attention to anything anybody says today. See how mad they get.
- Don't be so modest. Let everyone know how amazingly great you are
- Refuse food today. I'm sure there's some sort of crisis you can do it for
- Be anti-social today. What has society given you lately?
- Announce your candidacy for the presidency today
- Be humiliated today.
--
Grant Gelvin takes over the Advice-- - Think about what Hannibal said when he crested the Alps astride an elephant.
- Just because your feet are below your knees, you would never think of kneeling on your own feet. So it is with people.
- Catfish scented bubblebath - a bad idea.
- Cottage cheese is neither cheese nor cottage, and yet it makes such a wonderful ceiling texture.
- Pray not for self advancement and glory. Pray instead for good looks; that's where you really need help.
- If a blind man can carry a cane, should a lame man go blindfolded?
- 'Women,' said the master, 'are like winged doves, whereas men are like statues.'
- A man with one hand looks covetously at a man with two hands, but not so much if they are on the same arm.
- Does feta smell bad merely to justify its name?
- If all the stars in the heaven were yours, you still couldn't pay off your credit cards.
- A button, though small and light weight, is easily lost. - Don't think about that too much
- If one apple is not an orange how can two apples make a pair?
- Live today as if it were your last. Visit the Post Office nearest you.
- Eating live toads at a fine restaurant requires great social grace.
- Paying for your sins is inevitable; especially the sins where they make you pay in advance.
- A woman may desire the companionship of another woman. A man may desire two.
- It is better to lose the game than to have the announcer describe your time at the Betty Ford clinic.
- If the garment did not look better on the rack than it does on you, they would improve the rack.
- Chocolate, although delicious, won't take out the garbage, either.
- If it seems that you have come a long way, you probably need to freshen up.
- The heart, although a muscle, doesn't make your swimsuit look good.
- If every man treated those around him with dignity and respect, would the DMV hire only women?
--Gelvin's advice ends--

- Today, tell all your friends that your New Yearšs resoulution is to stop luring people you know closer to you just so you can murder them.
- Walk around looking through a glass of water and pretend youšre insane.
- Make a sports team and call them the Learning Unlimited Griffins.
- Plug yourself in today.
- Talk to your household appliances today just to see how they'll react.
- Ask everyone you meet today if they are the Neon Chicken.
- Play Russian Roulette with your computer. Close your eyes, and drag a random file into the trash. It adds a bit of spice to your otherwise dull life.
- Today, give your pet a disk. If it sniffs at it revere your pet as a god and worship, pamper and start a religion for your pet. If it doesn't, shoot it.
- Pretend you're an ornament and hang from trees. If anyone asks you what you're doing, reply that you're pretending you are a monkey. Then laugh at their ignorance.
- Become a superhero and make yourself a neato costume. Then go to downtown and rescue people from their cars. If they resist, tell them it's for their own good.
- Find a friend, and on their birthday, blindfold them and tell him that you'll give them a big surprise. Then go out to the street and sell him.
- Today, go around telling people it's the 13th and laugh at the hysterically when they correct you.
- Go up on a high building and drop modems on the people below. If you hit one, give yourself 10 points.
- Go to every newsgroup you know of and tell them there's a security flaw in Netscape if you go to a small server. Tell them the server name and tomorrow watch it explode.
- Today, conjure things from thin air.
- You too can be a pro wrestler. Start hitting people with folding chairs today!
- Name people colors today.
- If someone asks you your name today, say "Oh. You're one of them, are you?"
- See how far you can throw a piece of paper today.
- Name all the pillows in your home today.
- Find someone who speaks Spanish, and start talking to them in Italian. When they look at you puzzled or correct you, say "Yeah, you heard me all right."
- Create your own Friends rip-off sitcom today. Everybody's doing it!
- Today, remind everyone that they are mortal.
- Tell random people on the street that one month ago was Christmas, the day in which the otters will rise from their worldly shackles and control you all. Then follow them for the rest of the day.
- Be a cord today.
- Today, paint everything you believe in green
- Mourn the death of Calvin and Hobbes today. Don't think about the losses of The Far Side and Bloom County, for that's too much sorrow to handle. Rip your comics section into shreds and bury it in cedar chips.
- Tell everyone that the end of the month is near today.
- Let it snow today.
- Beanbag chairs really can talk, they're just too mistreated to want to. Today, don't sit on your beanbag chair, just give him a refill of beans, some tea, and maybe some crumpets too. Then sit down. (In another chair) and have a nice chat.
- Read Peanuts today. I don't get it. It doesn't make any sense at all.
- March 4th today
- Today, be like the government. It's easy, just censor the world's largest supplier of independent thought and information.
- Tell everyone today that you are the keeper of the bronze nickel. Tell them "Oh, they tried to take it from me, yes they did, but I showed them now, didn't I... Oh yes, showed them I did..."
- Go the wrong way on a two-way street today.
- Today, go into a crowded elevator and play "Name that tune" to Muzak.
- Yell "Duck" in a crowded area and thrw one out.
- Today, do something humorous somewhere crowded.
- Today, shower me with gifts, praise, and riches. (Hey, it's worth a try)
- Lip-synch everything you say today.
- Today have a short attention span and chew mail pouches.
- Today, try and get the joke in yesterday's advice.
- Fly today. All you need to do is think happy thoughts.
- Today complain about how negative everyone is nowadays.
- Laugh today.
- Today, teach your dog to talk.
- Give yourself an "A" for effort today.
- Today be open 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
- Do-a-ditty-ditty-dum-ditty-do today.
- Get out of my dreams, and get into my car today.
- Today, wear spam. Not a Spam shirt, just Spam.
- Play an April fool's joke on yourself
- Run the rat race today - Watch out - the other competiors bite!
- Today, beat the clock. Try a baseball bat first
- Trust metal objects through body parts today. It's the latest fad - something called wearing earrings...
- Start your own country today.
- Take a journey to the center of the Earth.
- Picture yourself on a boat in a river tday. But remember to wear a lifejacket!
- Commit a thoughtcrime today.
- Take a trip back to your school days - Do section review 1-12 on page 351.
- Have a mental block today. I've got one, as you can tell.
- Don't rock the jukebox.
- Babble incoherently today - It's fun for the whole family!
- Assess 4 points to your driving record today. It's not quite as fun as DUI.
- Form a grandfalloon today.
- Rope you some fillies today.
- Rename some states today. What sort of name is Utah, anyway?
- Speak Azerbaijani today. For that matter, just move to Azerbaijan.
- Fool the guesser today.
- Don't jump off a really high bridge. It might hurt.
- Pillow people have pillow brains, so don't ask them for advice.
- Don't think you're Jimmy Stewart. You aren't.
- Touch your hair if it offends you.
- Never wear white socks with sandals. No matter how many people do it, it's still dorky.
- Sing a song of sixpence today.
- Don't go out in a thunderstorm and hold a long metal rod up. The rod might fall on you.
- Yetis are extreme savage if left in a bookbag for 36 weeks, so don't try and eat one.
- Become rich and famous today. You've waited long enough!
- Never start a rumor about yourself. A lot of people may believe it.
- See if you can get pigs to fly. Just think of all the things that would happen if you succeeded!

Today's Advice

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