Being much like other men, The Slayer has many of the same problems, concerns and behavioral patterns as the rest of the human race. When he is not on the trail of a new brew, The Slayer actually relaxes and watches some TV (mostly for the beer commercials). He also has hobbies that keep him busy during his off time. Among these avocations are homebrewing, coming up with unique ad jingles for new beers, making collages of beer bottle labels and reading about beer.

It just so happens that last week The Slayer had time to do some light reading about beer. He had picked up the latest edition of BarleyCorn Magazine and, with beer in hand, began perusing the plethora of information found in its pages. Kicking back on the couch, The Slayer began to read BarleyCorn's story about the tragedy of old beer.

With The World's Best Beer Commercials tape playing in his VCR, The Slayer could be seen to wipe several malty tears from his eyes as he digested the story of old beer's horrific plight. The article explained that the beers most likely to face this dastardly fate of becoming elderly before they are drunk are those of the microbrewed ilk. While it is true that the mass-produced American lagers can also become long in the tooth, this phenomenon does not occur as frequently as it does with beers of flavor (besides, could an old Bud taste all that much worse than a fresh one?).

The Slayer was aghast when he read that people actually pour out microbrews because their flavor has been irrevocably changed by age. Then, at the moment of his ultimate disgust, he took a sip of the beer he had poured (perfectly, of course) prior to sitting down with his BarleyCorn Magazine. As the brew flowed over his palate, The Slayer immediately realized that something was just not right. Yes, the pale ale had a malty flavor with detectable hop bitterness; however, these glossal sensations were muted dramatically. It was as if the brew had been strained through a paper bag before reaching The Slayer's delicate tongue.

"Aaargh!" The Slayer exclaimed, as the malted beverage met its fate in his gastrointestinal organ "This beer tastes just like the old beer flavor described in the magazine! How can this be? Maybe, the article's power of suggestion has affected my palate. I should take another sip."

With the second taste, The Slayer spouted, "Oh my God, this beer IS old!" The Slayer's second outburst echoed through the house and scared the hapless Brew-hound to death. The poor animal tucked his tail between his legs and crawled back to his blanket in the bedroom closet. Normally The Slayer would have felt bad about frightening the dog, however, he was so upset by the off taste of his brew he did not even notice the canine's behavior.

"This was FREE beer, TOO!" The Slayer continued in his tirade of disgust. The Slayer was so upset by this travesty of the natural order of things that he had sprung,,, well, gotten up fairly quickly... from the couch and began performing an arrhythmic jig in the middle of the living room. After spinning about for several moments, he eventually tired and sat back down.

"You've got to get a grip on yourself," he muttered between pants. "While this is truly disappointing, you can't let it get you so worked up." After a few brew affirmations and deep breaths, The Slayer finally regained his senses and began to rationally and objectively think through the problem.

The Slayer knows that the two arch enemies of beer are heat and light. Perhaps, this beer at one stage of its travels between the brewery and his glass was exposed to one or both of these horrendous killers of brew flavor. Maybe it was improperly stored at the distributor or even the store from which The Slayer received it for free. This is highly possible.

Picking up the empty bottle, The Slayer checked the date which it was brewed. "01/16/97" was laser printed on the bottle. "Aha!" The Slayer exclaimed as he realized this brew was more than three months old. While some beers, like the pasteurized American lager varieties, can withstand three months of storage, many of the unpasteurized microbrews tend to lose flavor in this relatively short amount of time; a major drawback for the craft brewing industry.

Having found the problem, The Slayer drank the rest of the beer with a sense of calm; if not total satisfaction (it was, after all, free). Upon licking the last bit of the lingering head from his lips, The Slayer thought to himself, "This beer should have been euthanized to put it out of its and my misery. Even beer cannot escape the Darwinian survival of the fittest truth.

The Slayer will try this beer again. He knows that a fresh example will be quite pleasing to his palate. If you ever receive a beer that is skunky or tastes like a wet paper bag, do not punish the beer by never trying it again. The beer is trying its best, but unfortunately fell under the evil spell of light, heat or time. Give it another try. The next time, check the date it was bottled to make sure it is fresh.

If your second attempt is also flavorless, then this is truly bad beer. Never buy it again.

Beer is a terrible thing to waste. However, old beer should be thinned from the brew-herd. Alas, poor Brewic, we knew him well.