Government Can Be Fun * B&B: The Wild Boys

Boris & Bill: The Wild Boys
Back in Ronald Reagan's hey-day, the Evil Empire was crumbling, as the old man's strategy of military build-up drove that enormous union into bankruptcy. But The Man in Moscow that Reagan got to deal with was a fairly reasonable sort...one who seemed to grasp that his country was on the Road to Nowhere. He also realized that the Russian model of Communism was a complete and total failure - the only thing they had managed to produce successfully was cheap vodka. And the reasons for that are many, most of which are self-explanatory. Mikhial Gorbachev was a reasonable man, however, with a good amount of stature (despite the fact that he bore the Mark of the Beast on his forehead). He could be dealt with, even reasoned with.
And if there was one thing Reagan knew how to do, it was posture. What better example of this than a trip to Berlin, and an internationally televised directive to his Communist counterpart, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall." That concrete barrier eventually would come down, but by that time Reagan would not remember saying it.
Gorbachev would be one of the few Soviet Premieres of the last 50 years to retire without coming down with "a cold."
His successor, unfortunately, would not carry the same stature...and Gorbachev would be relegated to doing Pizza Hut commercials.
Boris Yeltsin has none of the charm or wisdom of Gorbachev, and spends most of his time looking at things with one eye closed (due to the fact that this is the only way he can focus).
Of course, since so few of us understand Russian, we hardly know how slurred his speech is. Fortunately for Boris, his translator is not as drunk as he is, and is capable of making the leap to English with only minor difficulty.
He was, and is, one of the Wild Boys. Twenty-five years ago, in San Fransisco, he would have been riding a Harley and hangin' out with the Angels (and I'm not talkin' about the baseball team).
And speaking of Wild Boys, enter Bill Clinton.
"The Man from Hope," or Silver Springs, or whatever podunk town he sprang from, entered the scene with a flourish. The only real difference between the two are their individual weaknesses - Yeltsin's taste for booze is only matched by Clinton's taste for the ladies. I'm sure Boris would have a similar affinity, if it wasn't for the severe damage he has done to his internal organs (something about the difficulty of getting a "salute" from a drunk soldier...there is a rather vulgar expression for this, but I will refrain from using it here).
Some would argue that it is fortune that kept these men apart until they were much older. Lets' face it, when the Russian Parliament disagreed with Yeltsin, he surrounded the building with tanks and shelled them into submission...even American politics have not gotten that ugly!
But what if they had met as teenagers? Boris with a pack of cigarettes rolled up in his shirt sleeve and a pint of Popov in his hand, and Wild Bill with a pocket full of contraceptives. In fact, I'm sure that if Bill had met Boris at a young age, he would not have been a Rhode's Scholar. He may have still worked in Little Rock, but it would likely be as a pimp, instead of as Governor.
Their exploits, from the back seat of a Rambler at the Drive-In to drunken road trips, would have become local legend, emulated by all the other neighborhood white trash. They may have even made a cartoon about the two - "Boris & Butthead."
By the time Clinton met Kennedy, he would not have been a bit impressed, and would have likely given him the George Bush treatment (That's throwing up on his shoes, for those of you playing along at home).
The course of history would have forever changed, and George Bush may have even succeeded in winning a second term - though I doubt it.
Neither country would likely be much different, but the lives of these two gentlemen would definitely not be the same.
Years of late night forays into town for a Big Mac and fries, along with the general drain of life in the fast lane, would have left both men in a much different state than the one they reside in today.
Yeltsin, no doubt, would be dead. Perhaps following a failed liver transplant at a local veterinarian's office.
Wild Bill would be Spending his nights after Boris' demise in cheap, roadside hotel rooms, trying to find the ones with free dirty movies. He would be bloated and pale, and would not even have much luck with the pink-haired waitress down at the local truckstop. It is a lot easier getting laid when you are the most powerful man in the world - but it's not so easy when you're a walking Whopper with jaundice.
On the other hand, the two might have had a moderating effect on each other. Boris only drinking at night, and Bill only womanizing on the weekends. They could have both become Senators.
History has a way of working itself out, though. And instead of the above scenario, these two Wild Boys grew up to lead two of the most powerful countries in the history of the world. Although, from a vice standpoint, I think we have now seen which is worst for a national leader - Yeltsin has run Russia into the ground, and the whole country may soon join the ranks of those asking for hand-outs from the IMF. Clinton, on the other hand, has managed to do things in-between his dalliances. Much of his brain is reportedly still intact, although he has proven the adage that men are not born with enough blood to operate both of their "major" organs at the same time.
And where Yeltsin shelled the legislature in a drunken fit of rage, Clinton took the smarter path of stealing the opposition's ideas and presenting them as his own.
The differences between these two show up in headlines daily - the American Press is trying to figure out what Clinton did in his spare time, while the Russian press is trying to figure out what Yeltsin is doing at the office. Both have shown what can be done with power, though, as well as just how valuable their "friends" truly are to them. Bill Clinton would sell his silver-haired mother to Asian slave traders for a $100,000 campaign contribution, while Boris would sell pints of blood for a few more shots of Stoli...but while he was drinking the vodka, he would get a wild hair and fire his entire cabinet (including his most loyal advisers).
Of course, of these two men with their fingers on the button, I am most comfortable with the one who has just been visited by a young intern, because all he wants to do is take a nap, not start a war.
But if history had been kinder (to us), both of these men would have gotten together in high school, and the only newspaper coverage they would receive would be in the police blotter.
Unfortunately, for both countries, they never got together until they already had power. By then, they were both set on their individual kinky perversions. For Clinton, history is a kindly mistress. For Boris, she's a nursemaid who holds his head up out of the toilet.
If only these two would have met 30 years ago, half a billion people would be better off today...