Mickey...Moskva? So...Boris Yeltsin wants to stay in power, does he? Well, for some reason, President Clinton wants to help him. Despite the fact that he has a reputation for serious boozin', and he did shell Congress (hardly a democratic act, even by Russian standards), we (collectively) think of him as "stability" (i.e. the devil we know versus the devil we don't). Facing an economic crisis, Russia is in need of a serious influx of cash. $10 billion, to be precise. So, the World Bank and the International Monetary Fund (IMF), or the United States directly, will make sure that Boris gets the money he needs to keep the fragile economy that is Russia going (and make sure that Pizza Hut on Red Square has customers). Either way, since the United States contributes funds equal to about 20% of those aforementioned organizations' budgets, we are going to pay for the bail- out. Float them a loan, if you will. And float is right, because it's unlikely we'll ever see that money again. It's like when your teenage son says, "Can I borrow 20 bucks?" Yeah, it's gone. But just because they might not make good on the loan, doesn't mean we can't get something for it. Better still, maybe we can get something and money. See, the Russians need an economy. A fast-food restaurant here and there just ain't gettin' it. But, under Communism, what economy there was was left in a shambles, radioactive materials were dumped all over the country, not to mention that it left a fair number of Moscovites with a less-than-desirable work ethic. On the other hand, due to the realities of capitalism - which simply means not everyone can have a job - companies have to make money now, so there is, presumably, a large unemployed, or underemployed, work force sitting idle. Perhaps we could find a way to put this force to work, create an economy, and make money at the same time. A theme park. That's right, turn Moscow into a massive theme park, that would become the favorite travel destination for well-to-do Eastern Europeans. And perhaps more than a few curious Western Europeans. And, of course, admission for Americans would be gratis (if you're brave enough to chance Russian air space). Borrowing from Walt Disney, the town could be divided into sections, each with its own attractions. The Kremlin, for example, could be turned into a nice set of shops. Think of it. "We will bury you...in discounts!" Lenin could be like a "living display" in the mall (not as impressive as Disney's animatronics, but you work with what you've got), perhaps in the middle of a nice fountain, surrounded by the food court. You could gaze at the founder of the Soviet Union over your borscht and nachos. The South Side could represent the ravages of a nuclear industry gone bad. A little Chernobyl. "It's a radioactive world, after all," where tourists would wear kevlar fire suits on a train through a recreated nuclear disaster. Walls would shake as the reactor core blew a flame-spout 50 feet in the air. Temperatures would rise to 150 degrees on the train, as people on the side of the tracks burst into flames (making you really look forward to the water slide at the end of the ride). The East Side could be where all the cool rides would be. A roller coaster called "The Russian Economy," that would actually go underground (because the economy somehow has more downs than ups). "The Revolution," a ride that starts real fast, then sort of just peters out over a long, rough track. "The Red Army," a ride that only works when it's really cold. The list goes on. We could have a lot of fun with it. Boris Yeltsin, himself, could play the part of the huge drunken mouse, and could host games of "Guess the weight of my liver," or, "How many shots in the Stoli bottle." After all, he'll be the big winner. Plus, it will guarantee him a paying job after the Presidency. And a mouse-suit that smells like vodka and B.O. is still better than the fate that would have awaited him 30 years ago..."a cold." There would be plenty of jobs for young Moscovites - tearing tickets, manning the booths, running the rides, cooking the fries. They could re-invest their money in their economy, which would help prevent them from coming back and asking for more. Best of all, we'd get a cut of the gate. It could work. Certainly, we would work around the residential areas, as I'm sure there are plenty of empty factories and office buildings to work with. And, we could use this method elsewhere, and start a chain of "economic bail- out theme parks." South Korea, Mexico and Moscow. Regional theme parks, bringing millions of curious vacationers, and their dollars, from Asia, the Americas and Europe. The money raise could be reinvested in the IMF, and used in Third World bail- outs. Now that's what I call a global economy...