V-chipped teeth? Once again, the government is striving for better living through technology. And this one's so good, you don't even have to be home to use it. As part of the "Federal Parenting Program," all TV sets, 13 inches or larger, will be required to contain the much ballyhooed V-chip by the year 2000. According to the good folks in the Federal Communications Commission (FCC), half the sets for sale will be required to contain the chip by July 1, 1999, and the other half by January 1, 2000. If I were a kid, I'd be making up excuses in the appliance store. "Gee, mom, I really don't need a big TV. I'd be just as happy with, say, a 12 inch screen?" Yeah, and that might work. Better still, from the parental point of view, there are already companies providing "converter boxes" that will give older television sets the V-chip capability. And they're cheap! That's right! For the low, low price of $100, you can completely absolve yourself of your responsibility as a parent! Of course, as with any new technology, there are potential problems in the making. The chip's function will be based on a standardized rating system, which will feed information into the programmed chip (of course, how people whose VCR clocks have been flashing "12:00" since the day they bought it will be able to program it, has yet to be explained). Anyway, the system is based on varying levels of sex, violence and bad language. For TV-Y7 (Older children, 7 and up), things that may be censored could include "comedic violence." Poor kids. Pick up a TV Guide, and say, "Cool! The Three Stooges are on!" Only to find the program blocked. "OK, I'll settle for Buggs Bunny." Again, blocked. And what about the news? Would a kid under 10 ever get to see the world's happenings at 6:30? Perhaps each segment could have its own rating. So Junior could watch "The Fleecing of America" segment, but would be met with a blank screen when the station went to their reporter in Kosovo. Some programming actually geared toward kids would have to go off the air, or rely on other audiences. Take South Park, for example. Comedy Central's effort at giving dialogue to Beavis & Butthead. The V-chip would voluntarily shut that program off, and the only people left to watch it would be stoned teenagers. As with any government intrusion, the question to be asked is, what next? Since we are on the subject of editing out nasty behavioral traits, a new rating might be TV-BS (contains beer and smoking...or politics). Any show where someone lights up or quaffs a brew would have the V-chip trigger. TV-SS (programming - or advertisements? - containing sugary snacks). As our nation grapples with its weight problem, we'll teach kids early that Twinkies really aren't all that good for you (although you can stick them in your fallout shelter, because they do have an atomic half-life). Or TV-CP (programming contains plot) to warn away the parents whose children have short attention spans (hey, it would be cheaper than Ritalin!). As FCC Chairman William E. Kennard noted, "While the ability to program the V-chip on their television sets to block programs with specific ratings will be helpful to all American parents, it will be particularly useful for working parents who can't always be present to monitor the TV watching of their children." And, hey, it would be a hell of a lot easier than actually teaching the children what is, and what is not appropriate. Why waste all that precious development time, when the TV can do it for you? Given the current state of our government, I'm not particularly keen on them setting the standards for us. I mean, with a President like Bill Clinton, how much sex is too much? And, apparently, there may be some debate over exactly what constitutes "sex." Bob Dole's espousing the virtues of Viagra. And the right-wing is gay-bashing. I sure am glad we had a return to family values! And, perhaps worse, will the next step be the I-chip, censoring "ideas" and thoughts that some may find offensive. Will there be a setting to block the big-haired lady who cries when she talks about Jesus? Or the two apparently gay furniture restoration guys? All I can say is, I hope my old television continues to work, because I'm not sure I want to buy one of the new ones. After all, I've got my own V- chip...it's called a remote control.