The rise of talk radio?

When foreign elements bombed the World Trade Center, it confirmed suspicions many Americans held toward people from the Middle East. Conflicts ranging from the Iran meltdown in the late '70s to various military expeditions in the Middle east, have provided the American psyche with an unhealthy mistrust of anyone with olive skin and a big nose.

But it wasn't that long after the World Trade Center incident that the federal building in Oklahoma City was bombed. And what was the immediate reaction? "Bet it was them damn I-rainians!" Unfortunately, it turned out to be the boy next door - someone on the home team - with his fertilizer kit and rented truck, sending Uncle Sam a somber message.

And now, we have yet another reminder of the tenuous state of our democracy - the shootings on Capitol Hill. A lone gunman attempted to penetrate the perimeter, killing two in the process. He never made it past the second line of defense.

What if he had? Did he have a plan? Was he an assassin, with specific victims in mind? Or was he just a lunatic with a gun?

Around the world, from South America to Europe, unanticipated explosions are not uncommon. Newspapers are bombed, politicians are shot, and opposition leaders are jailed and/or harassed. And for all our folly, for all our silliness and self-aggrandizement, this country still has so few incidents that we are collectively shocked when something like this happens.

This country has a proliferation of weapons unmatched on the planet. No other country's citizenry is so well armed with the firepower that Americans have. So, really, we should be surprised that there aren't more incidents like the Capitol Hill shootings. I mean, let's face it, there are a lot of lunatics in this country. Stick 250 million people in the same room, and you're bound to find a good number of crazies. Just add weapons.

Perhaps it is talk radio that is really our savior. Maybe, just maybe, that particular medium provides an outlet for the lunatic fringe, that would otherwise be in their basements honing knives and studying anatomy charts.

That's right, talk radio. Maybe that windbag Rush Limbaugh actually does serve a purposeful function to the American society - he keeps the mental cases off the streets. How? By putting them on hold during his call-in shows. They fidget in the privacy of their own homes while waiting to say their piece, rather than strolling down to the McDonald's to test the spray radius of their new A-K.

What a service that is! And, perhaps, that was the idea all along. Boy, talk about your conspiracy theory! Rush and the boys sitting around a dimly lit table, smoking cigars and pinching the fannies of the women who bring them drinks, hatching their plot to keep people with "issues" at bay.

"I really want to do something for my country, that won't get me, personally, hurt," a patriotic Rush tells his cohorts. "And, something that might make me rich in the process."

"Hey, I've got a great idea!" The producer of a national sports call-in show exclaims.

"We can give them their own frequency."

"We've already got it," Rush observes. "It's called 'A.M.'"

And a conspiracy is born.

While listening to the various messages of the radio extremists, the real head cases sit in their living rooms polishing their guns, waiting for the government to come to their homes to take them away, instead of aiming them out the windows to harass passers-by.

In fact, we may learn (if the gunman recovers), that this lonely soul didn't even have a radio, and was thus loosed on an unsuspecting world.

"Receivers for Rejects" could be a national campaign to get an A.M. radio in the hands of all lunatics, loners and lawyers (perhaps addressing a-whole-nother problem in our society). I'm sure that after the aforementioned incident, Congressional funding will be easily forthcoming.

Wow! Who would have thought that all that airwave blather had actual meaning?

But to really make it a good conspiracy, the receivers could also be equipped with transmitters, so the CIA can track their whereabouts. Before anyone gets bent out of shape, just remember this is the same CIA that missed the fall of Communism and the rise of two new nuclear powers.

So this effort could serve to subdue both those that would attack government, and those that would use government for illicit purposes. A match made in Radio Shack.
Sure, we may not be able to locate every lunatic.

One or two are bound to slip through the cracks. But isolated incidents are preferable to full-scale assaults. Radios can be airlifted to remote mountain cabins, but the system will still rely on the recluse to go out and buy new batteries when the old ones fade. And, instead of incidents involving the federal government, we could be setting up 7-11 clerks for their own personal nightmares. Maybe we should airlift the batteries, too.

Either way, it's a program worth trying. Write your Congressman. I'll even let you take the credit for the idea...