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In Starr's Chambers In the Year of Our Lord Nineteen Hundred and Ninety-Eight, something very peculiar happened, just before election day. Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr, after two long years of investigating the President of the United States, sat down in his easy chair to contemplate the fine job he had done, and his own political future. And as images of Impeachment Hearings danced in his head, he nodded off to sleep. But at midnight he awoke with a start, as the clock chimed twelve times. He looked up at the timepiece, and smiled, settling back in his chair. As he closed his eyes, he heard a familiar voice. "How are you, my boy?" He opened his eyes, and there before him stood Richard Nixon. "Don't be alarmed, my boy. I am the Ghost of Scandals Past." "Bbbbut what are you doing here?" Starr asked. "I have come to show you the past, and the affect that my trials have had on the present," the ghost said. "But why?" Starr perplexed. "To show you the affects that your actions will have on the future," the large-nosed ghost said. "My actions?!" a suddenly incredulous Starr said. "The President's actions, you mean." "Come with me, my boy," was all the ghost said, and then led the Prosecutor to the den. He held up a tape, and slid it into the VCR. "Watch...and learn." The television came alive with images of Watergate Hearings, war, protest marches, and a Vice President ascending to the throne. "Here...here's the good part," Nixon said, pointing to the November election returns. "Those damn bleeding heart Democrats swept control of every office, and did everything they could to make the fate of my party, our party, ruinous." "I still don't see what that has to do with me," Starr responded. "Besides, Clinton's a Democrat." "You just don't get it, my boy," the ghost said. "It's all about faith in government. People abandoned our party, and they will do the same thing when this debacle is over." "But don't we want them to abandon the Democrats?" Starr asked. With that, Nixon reached out and slapped Starr on the back of the neck. "We both went to Duke, and this is what I have to work with?!" Nixon shouted, his arms raised to the heavens. Looking back at Starr, the ghost said, "The Democrats are not in power, Republicans are, you fool. The backlash will be against us, not them." "But Democrats are the one perpetuating this," Starr replied. "I'm just doing my job..." "Your job...will forever affect our republic," Nixon said, and with that, he vanished into the pine paneling. Ken was startled. He stood, walked to the liquor cabinet, and poured himself a tall scotch. He tilted it back, swallowing the burning liquid to rid his mind of the images left by the ghost. "Ahhh," he said, setting his glass down. He picked up the bottle, and prepared to fill the vessel again. But a noise from the other room made him jump. He walked back into the den, and there was someone sitting on his sofa. "Can I help you?" Starr asked. "No, the question is, can I help you?" "Who are you?" Starr asked, recognizing a certain boyish quality to the figure's face. "I am Vince Foster...the Ghost of Scandals Present." "And why are you here?" Starr sneered at the phantom. "I cleared your President of any wrongdoing in your death." "It wasn't him anyway, it was her...but that's not the point. While you investigated my death, FBI files, Whitewater and the travel office firings, the nation's business went undone," Foster said. "While you looked into the past, the public was distracted from their own present." "You, you're lecturing me?" Starr laughed. "Your firm was dirtier than a pair of locker room gym socks!" The ghost snickered, and got up off the couch. He patted Starr on the shoulder, and said, "You still don't see the big picture, do you?" "What picture is that?" Starr asked. "The picture of an immoral man holding the highest office in the land? The picture of a man bringing disrespect on this great office?" "For a prosecutor, you're awfully defensive," Foster said. "The big picture is not just now, it's today and tomorrow. The President will go away once his term is finished, but faith in government will not be so easily restored." "And that's my fault?!" Starr exclaimed. "No, you are merely a symptom." "A symptom?" "Yes, a symptom of the partisan divisions that will destroy this democracy." "Those are strong words," Starr snickered. "You'll see," the ghost said, then left for the park. Now Ken really needed that second drink, and made his way over to the cabinet. Nixon was bad enough, but Foster? He had only done the job he was hired to do, and now he had been berated by a man he admired, and one he despised. He contemplated all these things as he sat down with his drink. He tipped the glass back, and as he looked up, there before him stood Dan Quayle. "I am the Ghost of Scandals Future," he said. "Oh my God!" Starr screamed. "What have I done?!" |
