Money for Nothing Governments form the federal level on down have been wrestling with a number of social issues for decades; chief among them, welfare reform. One of the hot-button issues of the last few elections has revolved around young, unmarried (or even married, but poor) girls having babies. But, instead of actually looking for a solution - such as teaching sex education in our schools - local governments have begun looking at slightly more unusual tactics to provide incentives to young girls, rewards, if you will, not to have babies. Paying them is the most recent suggestion. Well, I would like to offer some additional suggestions. There's a lot of things I wouldn't do for money, and having a baby is only one of them. Why should young, impressionable girls with low self-esteem be the only ones profiting? How about robbers? That's right. What price would you pay for a completely safe neighborhood? That guy wanted in the string of B&Es could simply get a weekly check from the government, for every crime he doesn't commit. In fact, I would think the insurance companies may be interested in contributing to this cause, as it could potentially save them a fortune in property loss payouts. Drug dealers? Well, they're doing it for money anyway, so maybe if we pay them to stop doing it, we won't have to worry about what our (collective) kids are doing when we can't see them. Junior high kids all over the country will be lamenting the good old days, when they could score a dime bag on their lunch break, as be as stoned as a biblical execution by 6th period. Now, with this new program, their source has dried up, because the former dealer can sit at home, smoke his stash, eat corn chips and watch cartoons...and still make money. Such a program would have more far-reaching implications, as well, since fewer crimes being committed would lessen the burden on our courts and law enforcement agencies. Additionally, prison space would become available for the more serious offenders - the ones who can't be motivated by money. But this program would not have to be limited to criminals or sluts. It could have a great impact on our daily lives. Telemarketers. That's right. How often do you sit down to dinner only to have the phone ring? And, instead of that phone call you've been expecting from Aunt Ethel, it's someone named Judy who wants you to change your long-distance provider. I wouldn't want to put all these people out of business, but couldn't the government pay them not to call me?! On a more personal level, people complain to me about the negative nature of the news, wishing the paper would focus on items of a more positive nature. Well, I would be happy to be paid not to cover the "bad" news. I could sit at my desk all day, playing solitaire on the computer and drinking bourbon, if I knew I would get a check whether the paper came out or not. There's a lot of things I wouldn't do for money. And there are a number of other daily annoyances that we could eliminate from our lives with such a program. Money may make the world go around, but, if we run the program properly, it will also make it stop. And our lives will be much more peaceful, safer, and quieter. And the population problem will take care of itself. Now all we need is the money...