Is He Sa-ddam Insane? That's what a lot of people have asked, regarding that oily little dictator in Baghdad. Didn't we already wipe up the desert with his troops? Didn't we kick his brown (presumably) booty out of Kuwait? Didn't we provide CNN with great pyrotechnic displays for weeks on end as we bombed Iraq back into the Stone Age? Yeah! And now he wants to pick a fight? That's like playing chicken with a Mack truck...when you are on a unicycle. Of course, that Mack truck doesn't come with the Marshall Plan. Though, sometimes, a good butt-kicking does. Well, maybe not the European Recovery Program per se, but a reasonable facsimile thereof. I mean, the man's got eyes. He sees Germany dominating the European Community, both in industry and currency. He sees Japan as the Economic powerhouse of Asia, kicking U.S. fanny on the trading field. And he thinks, That could be us. Yes, maybe he thought that last time, when he decided to ignore lines drawn by the British (who single-handedly screwed up the Middle East for the next century), and took Kuwait back. I'm sure he was hoping for a massive pounding, followed by a quick rebuilding program, a la the Marshall Plan. Didn't happen. Perhaps being a slow learner, Saddam figured that getting into another fight might push the U.S. into a more philanthropic situation - no doubt hoping to play on that old Judeo-Christian guilt ethic (Look, you did it to me twice! Won't you help my people rebuild?) Of course, there are a few points he overlooks, assuming that is his strategy. The two most glaring flaws are these: we did rebuild Germany and Japan, but not before one leader put a bullet in his brain, and the other committed hari-kari. So, perhaps it is we who should make the offer. President Clinton could call him tomorrow - in a conference call, with CNN (live, naturally) as the third party to that conversation. Saddam? Say, this is Bill Clinton, President of the United States. Yeah, Yeah, Great Satan. Anyway, listen. How'r you? Good, good. Listen, the reason I called is this; Congress is sitting here waiting for me to sign this bill, see. It's money for your country. What we're gonna do, see, is rebuild all those roads and buildings we blew up. Yeah, that's right. Lift the bans. Get that oil flowin' again. Right. Clear the channel of tankers. Uh-huh. The President could read a long list of infrastructure improvements the U.S. planned to make, as well as the humanitarian donations that would be involved. Yeah, what do you think of that? No, no, we don't really want Americans on the arms inspection teams. No, not even an issue. And then the kicker. No, look, really. I'm sittin' here gettin' ready to sign on the dotted line. Right. Listen, there is one thing we need you to do. Right. Got a pistol on ya? Loaded? All right. Look, just point the pistol at your head, and pull the trigger. No, really. The check's in the mail. Of course, he might have completely different motives. He could just be trying to hold onto his power in a desperate situation, knowing full well that his countrymen always rally behind him in the event of a foreign threat. So he has created another foreign threat. He can weed out spies and collaborators, and shoot anyone he perceives as a political threat. Shore up his position, and hold onto power - hoping that something will break, and he will get through this crisis with his job title intact. While the rest of the world is distracted by his positioning and posturing, there are generals all over the country digging trenches for their own bodies to be dumped into. And when the crisis is over, he will once again have no opposition, which he hopes will carry him beyond the embargo, and give him an opportunity for an economic comeback. Yeah, that's probably more likely. But it isn't as funny.