I have filled out my own taxes for years, but this year; the State Tax Form was so confusing to me I took my kid sister , Googie to lunch and upon leaving McDonalds I handed her a large manila envelope containing...my state tax form and W-2s. On the outside I had written: Do not open until you get home...Love ya bunches, Sis. Of course she thought it held some poetry or a copy of my latest manuscript for her to critique. Oh no! It had the most messed up, botched attempt I’ve ever made to fill those suckers out. Half way through the instructions I began to question who I was. I’m certain you’ve been there at one time in your life. The instructions read something like this:
If you have never owned a dog but you have watched your neighbors between the hours of 6 a.m. and 4:22 p.m. on any Tuesday, Thursday or Saturday then go to line 11 and enter this amount. But if your neighbor has ever watched your dog, including walking the dog for more than one mile then go to line 11 and enter this amount. Or if you have broken three of five fingernails on your left hand this entitles you to a deduction which may cancel the need to report the dog activity. But if you have a broken toe on your right foot then you may not file your state taxes until after the deadline so we can collect a penalty from you for limping and causing the other citizens to pace themselves accordingly if they've had the misfortune to be stuck behind you in the parking lot at Wal-mart. Of course if you were returning merchandise and can prove it then to hell with the fine citizens and their inconvenience, just go to line 11 and write this amount. However if line 11 gets too confusing you can go back to page 23 in this manual and read the instructions for exemptions. Good luck and we'll see you next year.


As usual I have another great link for you. This one is the site of a great lady just like us.
If you are feeling a little blue, PMS has set in or your going through a rough bout with menopause and just feelin' down right hateful this month then go to visit The Kitchen Sinkers located at http://members.net-tech.com.au/carolf You will be laughing when you sign off...promise, Carolyn won't have it any other way.


Time for Response From Readers:

This came to us from Gwen Odem of Albion,In. She writes;
Hey girls, get a look at this one, it's a hoot!
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving a perfect car (a Lamborghini) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle (it was a 2+2!). Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman.
She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

* A Male's Response *
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman was driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

Well Gwen, you preach it, sister. Amen from the congregation of the Tablescraps Sisterhood.


From Rita Mills of Virginia:

Grandpa and Grandma had to go into town on business, she got dressed and could not find the sash to her dress so she just went without it. They were in a ten-cent store when she looked at Papa, her sash was being used for a tie. He said he couldn't find his. She gave him one of her looks and a few choice words. He told her that he would just wait for her in the car. She finished her shopping and went to the car, no Papa. She walked down the street to see if he had gone into another store. She happened to glance in a car and there was Papa, fast asleep in the back seat. When she woke him he said, Well it looked like our car! Rita adds that she doesn't think her Great Grandparents went anywhere together for about ten years after that.

Now pay attention ladies, That was a little diddy about Rita's great Grandparents. Does that clue you into how long men have behaving in strange ways? You gotta love 'em. The only people in the world who can top their spurts of doing totally non thinking things are their own species, the boy teenager.

Here are a couple of true stories about my own teenage son:

First of all I affectionately refer to him as Puppy, isn't that cute?
Last month Puppy was standing at the kitchen sink, I was in the living room running the vacuum.
I noticed finally that I had heard the water running for at least five minutes and was beginning to wonder if he was going through a new phase with water or something. I turned the vacuum off and just stood there staring at him, knowing that eventually he'd feel my eyes watching him and look at me. He did, finally notice and with an expression of total bewilderment asked me, Don't we have any hot water? I, with my best are you nuts look responded, Sure Honey, Just flip the handle to the left side!
I have also been making Puppy do his own laundry, it's the thing all we mothers do when they reach sixteen. Well, last week I was in my room straightening up a little and I knew he was doing laundry. I kept thinking it sounds like he's over loaded the washer again and so I stepped into the utility room to see for myself. There stood Puppy holding the washer lid up as it spun laboriously through it’s final spin cycle. What are you doing, I asked him. He gave me the most sincere look of genius and answered, I'm air drying my sweaters so they don't shrink!

Susan wrote in: I enjoyed your column immensely, keep up the good work. I am on my knees praying for you and I'll be looking for you again.

JRobert of Waves,Contests, Writing and More wrote in that he liked the column so much he intends to feature it in the next month's issue of his newsletter.
He is located at http://www.geocities.com/Paris/LeftBank/2114


Poetry Section:


LITTLE WHITE SALE
by Rose McCormick

I am such a liar
Of this I must confess
Your hair looks great
Hey! You've lost weight
These put me to the test.

Oh! That's the cutest baby
That I've ever seen
I give you my attention
On every word I lean.

I'm in line at the grocery
Or any store you choose
The cashier and the customer
Are exchanging friendly muse.

Oh God! She needs a price check
Her drawer's locked up again
She just ran out of paper
The credit card got jammed.

The customer who's paying
Looks back at me to say
I'm so sorry that you're waiting
I'm having a bad day.

I can't say what I'm thinking
That wouldn't do at all
I can't do what I want to
They'd escort me from the mall.

In my mind the vision's playing
My temper's on standby
Knowing exactly what I'd like to say
My mouth says, It's all right!

Although lying isn't all bad
Two wrongs don't make a right!
And at times I'd like to muster
The courage not to lie.

OH ! It's a mess...
Really ? I couldn't tell
That's the ugliest baby I've seen..
So! Who cares ? It's hot in here...
Impolite ? Well! You ain't seen mean !
And the ten people behind me will agree
So take your bad day and....

Then she turns saying
Thank you for being so kind !
And I say ...Well! You know. Don't you ?
It's all right! The pleasure's been all mine.


INCOGNITO
by Rose McCormick

My brother George was sittin'
In the local bar one day
Pretendin' he couldn't speak English
Or understand a word they'd say.
He thought it was so funny
Each time he'd order a drink
They'd stand there so dumbfounded
Deciphering what he meant.
Finally the barkeeps' patience had worn thin
Now I'll tell you what
He said to George
This here is how it is.
I don't care what you're wanting
It's become a worn out joke
So no matter what you order
You're getting Rum and Coke!

Well, ladies that's it for this month's column. The Topics listed in the March Issue of Tablescraps are still open for response. Just click on the month you need to view in the left-hand column of this page. Please do continue writing in and try to send some poetry in for May's Column, since it will be Mother's Day.

By the way, I also have a new home page at Talk City. The address is http://home.talkcity.com/KarmaWay/tumac If you'd like to know where I hang out and maybe catch me in chat, come on over and spend a little of your leisure time with me.

Until next month Ladies this is your friend Rose saying Tah Tah For Now.