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February |
Welcome to Dysfunction Junction That's what my door mat should say. My dysfunction began as a hand me down from my parents. Dad was from the Columbia City, Indiana area but he always daydreamed about being a big time gangster which led him to move us all to Chicago when I was about four, I think. He met mom in Kentucky while he was visiting with a friend ( who turned out to be mom's cousin), big John Henry. Mom was only 16 at that time but she wanted out. I think my parents were both needing ' something ' and thought each other was it. Mom was pregnant right away with my brother Joe and I followed 11 months later. They do ' thangs ' quick in Kentucky. Mom still has that southern drawl. Jeff Foxworthy would hire her as a regular mystery guest if he had a variety show. I can just see her on stage in her pin striped two piece double breasted slack outfit and her house slippers. She'd probably look down at her feet and say to the audience, " Now, looky cheer people. I don't mind comin' out cheer an talkin' to ya'all but I ain't a gonna stand cheer with my feet a hurtin' me neither. So git yourselves a good look and let's move on with it. " She'd continue, " Lord only knows what I'm a doin' here cuz I shore as hell don't. This Jeff come right on up to me and asked me to talk for a spell. I did. Now he says ya'all wanna hear me talk awhile and I cain't quite figure that one out. But I guess if I gotta tell ya somethin' funny, I'll tell ya about the time brother Junior, brother Henry, sister Myrtle and I got ourselves sick with the measles. Mommy went out and gathered up some sheep manure and mixed that up with some malasses and a herb or two. I cain't tell ya what the herbs are to this day because the potion maker don't dare say lessen it spoil the potion. Take away the magic of it, ya know. I see a few of ya laughin'. That's okay. Laugh all ya want to. Lord knows it's the truth. Well, anyway mommy had us all lined up to get a dose of this here potion. Brother Henry, he was always so small and frail, he started cryin' right off not wantin' to take it coz of the sheep shit in it, ya know. Back then we kids did as we was told without askin' questions. But Henry, he was so scared of takin' that potion that when mommy put that spoon to his mouth he hollered, " No mommy, don't make me eat shit ! I'll die ! " Now this here is the truth I swear to Gawd ! Brother Junior started sayin' ( eat shit and die ) from that day on. Ya' all can go on ahead and laugh but it's kinda queer to me that people say it all over the place today and brother Junior doesn't get a red cent from it. Hell, people get paid for fartin' nowadays. I saw on tv some fat man goin' to sit down on this here sofa and let a big fart and don't ya know, some woman's voice says, " Send for your free booklet and learn if you too are lactose intolerant. " I thank they make this stuff up. I cain't believe that people are so igrant that they'd get on tv and do such a thang. Come to thank of it, he ain't as stupid as the man a payin' him to do it ! We may not be what cha call book learned but by Gawd we ain't igrant. Well, I guess that's about all I have to say. But this Jeff, he says if ya'all like lisnin' to me he'd be happy to pay me for talkin' up here in front of ya'all. " Hell", she chuckles as she looks to see if Jeff can see her casting a wink to the audience, " He must not be all thar himself !" Ya'all take care. Maybe I'll be a seein' ya again someday. |
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