SECRETS WOMEN
KEEP
Men read this only if you promise
not to tell !
For months I’ve shared family secrets
that women find much too humorous not
to share.
Events our husbands and male offspring
would rather we not discuss. It’s
only fair to give up a few of our
secrets to those same adorable men in our
lives. So guys, here you go. I’m
throwing you a bone to gnaw on. Read the
card first. It should say: From
your loving wife with all my love.
These are Truths women Lie about.
Going through your wallet. First
of all you must understand that we got in
there only to retrieve $5.00 for
our “Just in case fund” and noticed that
your normally unorganized wallet
was organized. Big mistake guys ! It
causes us to wonder what’s in there
that you’d straightened out the
contents trying to hide it. Also
since we’re secure in the fact that men
think women are psychic freaks
of nature or ancestors of Alexander Graham
Bell. Obviously you’re unaware
of our most celebrated female ancestors. The
pioneer women who brow beat their
husbands until they rode a hundred miles
on horseback in the freezing cold
to deliver a note to their girlfriend
containing information about Davy
Crocket’s coon skin cap or how Mable
stole their recipe for rhubarb
pie. In fact when it became known to the
other wives that my great great
uncle William Russell was willing to ride
the wild Mustang to keep my great
great aunt Lillie off his back they asked
if she could get him to drop off
a note or two to their girlfriends and
that’s how the Pony Express was
born.
Oh yeah our “secrets”. Sorry guys,
I didn’t mean to get side tracked.
Anyway, we got in your wallet for
five measly dollars and found your
driver’s license is not where it
always is.In our mind we must decide in a
hurry why this is. (in case you
wake up and catch us going through your
wallet) so we carefully remove
the contents, placing the items face down in
sequence so we can put everything
back in the exact order. What are we
hoping to find ? Oh, maybe a traffic
ticket you forgot to mention (one
reason your license would be moved)
or worse “God Forbid” you had to use it
to check into a cheap motel with
‘Barbie’. In which case you’ve saved the
receipt too and tucked it in that
special place you think only you know
about. Well now we have no choice
but to dig a little deeper creating pile
number two, the contents of those
small side pockets where you keep your
private stuff. Like the receipt
from last years driving range and your
union card. Some of our husbands
even have the black dust and dirt still
clinging to those items and we
have discovered that wiping them clean
before replacing them does give
some husbands pause to wonder if we’ve been
their wallet. So we rub the item
on the dust that fell off when we pulled
it out so none is missing.
God we’re good!
However it is during these completely
innocent excursions through your
wallet that we discover things
like Barbie’s phone number in her own
handwriting, on a piece of scrap
paper folded sloppily in half and tucked
in between that union card and
the fishing license.
We also lie. I know, I know
this is hard for you to believe but we do. We
lie only about the little things
that aren’t really important to us and
therefore shouldn’t be all that
important to you. The price of meat per
pound. That’s a biggy for men.
It’s one thing any husband has latched onto
as proof that he could do
“our job” and show us how to save money to boot.
Have you ever noticed the
sudden appearance of new furniture, paintings,
tupperware, clothes, appliances,
a hundred candles or just plain ‘junk’?
Would you like to know the Truth
about that one ? Well, we went shopping.
We went shopping and we hid our
stash until we were able to account for the
money we spent and if we’re lucky;
you or one of the kids really screwed up
and covered more than the cost
of one item. Like losing your wallet on that
fishing trip. That can cover a
couch and a set of tupperware. How do we
manage that ? We simply say we
couldn’t pay the electric bill last week
because (you lost your wallet)
then we pull an item from our stash and
proudly put that baby on display.
When you do notice and ask where
it came from we have that covered too.
“Hon, are you blind? We’ve had
that forever!” We also tell you that the
things we bought at garage sales
for pennies were on sale for 60% off at
Sears. That way we can pad our
mad money. You think it’s a hundred dollar
item from Sears and we got it for
forty dollars. The Truth ? We paid five
dollars for it at Gladys Snapples
garage sale last October. The new
dishwasher we say was bought at
a garage sale for fifty dollars (even
though the booklets are still sealed
in that plastic pouch and there’s no
dust on it or ware)......think
about it !
So you see guys, those are The Little
Things women lie about. Now I have to
get going because.....Margie, my
friend who lives in the UP....aaaah, she
just called me. At least that’s
what Russ will be told if he walks in ,
notices I am on the phone and asks...”Hon,
who ya talkin’ to ?” Then to
cast away all doubt in his mind
that ‘he’ is paying for frivolous long
distance phone calls I’ll just
make it a point when I hang up to say, “I
can’t believe that Margie making
long distance calls to me all the time.
How does she afford it ?”
Of course Russ will want to know
how she does it too because....(if she
were his wife) that wouldn’t be
happening.
I have to hurry along now.
The dishwasher stopped and I think Margie is
about to call. Let’s just say it’s
that Feminine Intuition !
Jody Hefright of Michigan
City, Indiana wrote in posing this question to
my readers. She’d like to know
how you feel about inter-racial
relationships. Wonder who she’s
dating ?
For the record I think skin
color is the least of anyone’s worries in a
relationship. It’s how a person
treats you that matters not what their race
is. Love, kindness, compassion,
loyalty and devotion do not come in colors.
Do they ?
Ladies, get busy.....shut
up.....and get in here!
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